I met Alex McGuirk at a house party back in college. She was standing with a group of her friends around her, you know how girls are, and they were giggling and flirtatiously glancing at me. Alex pointed right at me and her friends all nodded in approval. At least, that’s how I remember it. She’d probably say they were laughing at my haircut or questioning my sexuality, but what does she know? Anyway, being the casanova I am, I sauntered over and introduced myself.
“Hi ladies, how does it feel to have the best looking guy at the party come over and talk to you?” I asked. Was it true? Of course not. But what the hell, right?
A hippo to her left shouted, “Excuse me? What would make you think we would even want to look at you?! Ugh, you’re disgusting! Are all guys this stupid?”
“I’m sorry Ms. Piggy, was I talking to you? I was trying to get the attention of your friend here who obviously only keeps you around her to make her look hotter. Which isn’t necessary of course, but hey, girls do what they wanna do.” At this point, Alex was trying to hide her laughter and Ms. Piggy must have seen some food in the living room or something because she stormed off.
“Hi, I’m Alex. That was Ariana and she’s been following us around all night. It’s usually tough trying to get her to talk to guys but you did a great job! Anyway, this is Nikki and Mel.”
“It’s my pleasure to meet you ladies. People call me Tony, which is weird because my name is Mike Schmidt. Obviously I was joking about that whole best looking guy thing but it always offends someone and that someone is not a person that I would like to hang around with. So now it’s just us. And you know what? I heard the world is ending in a few days. Something about a Mayan calendar? We should probably lose all our inhibitions and do things we normally wouldn’t do.”
Nikki sort of giggled a little bit and Mel wasn’t sure how she felt about that. But I didn’t care, I had my eye on the prize and she was laughing and doing this cute lip biting thing that girls do. Chalk one up for Mike. And with the precision of a trained SWAT team, my roommates swooped in to seal the deal.
“Hey Mike! Are you giving these girls a hard time? I hope you didn’t tell them our Mexico story!”
“Mike! Mikeyyyyyy! What lies are you trying to sell to these beautiful, innocent, women? You know they don’t need to hear that crap!”
“Ladies, I have the honor of introducing Matt Biller and Ryan Loftings, my roommates. I usually keep them in their cages, due to their danger to society and all, but I let them out tonight for good behavior. Ryan has a serious condition called ‘never-kissed-a-girl-itis’ and Matt is on the run for what I believe is called, jay-walking.”
Nikki and Mel both found this hilarious, probably partially to the solo cups they were holding, and partially because I’m a fantastic story teller, but either way, it worked. Nikki left with Matt to find the dance floor and Ryan and Mel claimed next game on a beer pong table. Of course, this left me with Alex and thus, the night had begun.